It is better to be natural rather than controlling your anger.
Questionner: I’ll lose many friends that way... and the price that is paid for being honest is so dear.
It is not, because if you are natural maybe immediately you may feel that the price is too much; it is never! In the long run it is always beneficial to be natural. Repression may give you a false appearance of things being in control and everything going well; finally you have to pay deeply. Then it is too late and you cannot do anything. That’s what has been done to everybody, every mother has done this to every child.
You think that the control has been simple? All the psychiatrists are engaged in just washing away the things that the mothers have done. The whole psychiatric profession is just undoing things that mothers have done, nothing else, their whole business is that.
If mothers listen to me psychiatrists will die, they will starve. It is really costly. All the mad people in the madhouses are because of mothers who have been too controlling.
Questionner: I never know what’s going to come up!
Let it come up! Who knows? And why should you know beforehand? If you know beforehand it will be false. Being natural means that nobody knows. Be natural and whatsoever happens, happens.
[Your daughter] will never be against you if you are natural, because she will understand; children are very understanding. If they see that the mother and the father are natural, true — if they can depend on you, if they know that you are angry, that’s why you are angry; you are loving, because you are loving; if they know that you are true whatsoever you are.... If [your daughter can depend on knowing that when you are angry, you show it, she will understand. Children are very understanding, and she will be able to forgive you. But if she comes to know that you are angry and you are smiling, then it is impossible to forgive; you are cheating the girl.
Sometimes you are angry — you are not a super-human being yet, fortunately! You can be angry. And from where will she learn? She will have to learn from you so naturally she will practice outside. If you are angry she will go and practice on [someone else].... She has to practice somewhere. She has to learn, otherwise how will she learn? That’s the way children learn. So be angry and let her learn anger and be loving and let her learn your love and always be honest so she learns honesty too. That’s all that you can do; nothing else is needed. Just relax. If you don’t want to give the money, just say that you don’t want to give! What we do is to go on pretending: we go on pretending that we want to give but it is not good for the child.
Simply say that you are a miser and you don’t want to give these five rupees to her! Why should you? You don’t want to! You want to cling to these five rupees! Let it be a fact! What do you do? You cling to five rupees and you pretend to [your daughter] that you would love to give her not five but fifty rupees, but you cannot because it will be harmful to her: she will go and eat ice cream and this and that. This is all nonsense! Be simple: say you cannot afford five rupees, it hurts you too much. When five rupees goes out of your bag you cannot sleep the whole night! Be clear...just be simple and true and she will understand.
Never try to control and be artificial; that’s what everybody is doing, it is done everywhere. I would like my sannyasins to be different. If you can avoid [your daughter] becoming a psychiatric case, that’s enough; you have done your duty. If she never comes to need Janov and his primal scream, then it’s perfect! Otherwise if you control her too much she will become a Janovian witness!
Just be natural and be true. And I tell you it is not costly. Truth is never costly, only untruth is costly, but initially it seems that untruth is paying and truth is costly. In the long run truth always wins and untruth always is defeated.
It will be difficult for you because to be untrue is easier. You are trained for that, your mother must have trained you, so now you want to try the same with [your daughter]. Be different! At least be different from your mother.
Who are we to control anybody? What do we know about what is right and what is wrong? So at the most we can be natural and hope that everything will go well, that’s all. Natural, prayerful.
Questionner: I’ll lose many friends that way... and the price that is paid for being honest is so dear.
It is not, because if you are natural maybe immediately you may feel that the price is too much; it is never! In the long run it is always beneficial to be natural. Repression may give you a false appearance of things being in control and everything going well; finally you have to pay deeply. Then it is too late and you cannot do anything. That’s what has been done to everybody, every mother has done this to every child.
You think that the control has been simple? All the psychiatrists are engaged in just washing away the things that the mothers have done. The whole psychiatric profession is just undoing things that mothers have done, nothing else, their whole business is that.
If mothers listen to me psychiatrists will die, they will starve. It is really costly. All the mad people in the madhouses are because of mothers who have been too controlling.
Questionner: I never know what’s going to come up!
Let it come up! Who knows? And why should you know beforehand? If you know beforehand it will be false. Being natural means that nobody knows. Be natural and whatsoever happens, happens.
[Your daughter] will never be against you if you are natural, because she will understand; children are very understanding. If they see that the mother and the father are natural, true — if they can depend on you, if they know that you are angry, that’s why you are angry; you are loving, because you are loving; if they know that you are true whatsoever you are.... If [your daughter can depend on knowing that when you are angry, you show it, she will understand. Children are very understanding, and she will be able to forgive you. But if she comes to know that you are angry and you are smiling, then it is impossible to forgive; you are cheating the girl.
Sometimes you are angry — you are not a super-human being yet, fortunately! You can be angry. And from where will she learn? She will have to learn from you so naturally she will practice outside. If you are angry she will go and practice on [someone else].... She has to practice somewhere. She has to learn, otherwise how will she learn? That’s the way children learn. So be angry and let her learn anger and be loving and let her learn your love and always be honest so she learns honesty too. That’s all that you can do; nothing else is needed. Just relax. If you don’t want to give the money, just say that you don’t want to give! What we do is to go on pretending: we go on pretending that we want to give but it is not good for the child.
Simply say that you are a miser and you don’t want to give these five rupees to her! Why should you? You don’t want to! You want to cling to these five rupees! Let it be a fact! What do you do? You cling to five rupees and you pretend to [your daughter] that you would love to give her not five but fifty rupees, but you cannot because it will be harmful to her: she will go and eat ice cream and this and that. This is all nonsense! Be simple: say you cannot afford five rupees, it hurts you too much. When five rupees goes out of your bag you cannot sleep the whole night! Be clear...just be simple and true and she will understand.
Never try to control and be artificial; that’s what everybody is doing, it is done everywhere. I would like my sannyasins to be different. If you can avoid [your daughter] becoming a psychiatric case, that’s enough; you have done your duty. If she never comes to need Janov and his primal scream, then it’s perfect! Otherwise if you control her too much she will become a Janovian witness!
Just be natural and be true. And I tell you it is not costly. Truth is never costly, only untruth is costly, but initially it seems that untruth is paying and truth is costly. In the long run truth always wins and untruth always is defeated.
It will be difficult for you because to be untrue is easier. You are trained for that, your mother must have trained you, so now you want to try the same with [your daughter]. Be different! At least be different from your mother.
Who are we to control anybody? What do we know about what is right and what is wrong? So at the most we can be natural and hope that everything will go well, that’s all. Natural, prayerful.
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